See? I told you I was going to do this ;)
Lately I've been finding it difficult to enjoy the little things in life. I'll try to, but I don't want to have to force myself to do things. Don't worry, I'm probably going to see someone once the holidays are over.
Things have happened, though. I haven't stared at a wall all day...lol. Some old friends of my parents came over Sunday and invited them out to dinner. We also went to breakfast with someone my dad knows. I was surprised that I enjoyed it, but perhaps it provided me with the social interaction I needed/avoided. convenient
I've been through a lot this year. Not physically, but mentally. And I only say that now because I know we all go through things now - before I was making myself more ignorant to pain. Like I would just ignore it. But I've gotten to a point where I can't avoid it anymore and I'm just sick of it all.
Numbing the pain isn't working, not anymore- if anything, it makes me more upset because now I can't feel! I want to enjoy life, and I think I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all, but it must be my body's defense mechanism against pain.
I'm going to get everything looked at, though. I already mentioned on a post months old that I had gotten checked for depression, and it looks like I'll be going down that route again. But the thing is, I don't think I was ever okay. I just numbed the pain, I think, because as time passes by, I find myself caring less and less about things. That's not how I want to live my life. I want to enjoy life and live it to the fullest, even when I struggle. I want to see that life is worth it. I want to be happy.
So I guess that's kind of my "resolution" this year. I've had several ones, but this one is really sticking with me: I was ignoring a lot of my problems by trying not to care anymore. And there's no shame in asking people for help. I kept thinking that I had to do everything on my own since I've read that no one can heal you but you, but that doesn't mean that you can't ask for help and for people to guide you to the answer to your problems. It's a balance I'm still trying to find, but I know it's there.
Just like you can spend too much time with people when you don't get anytime to unwind and be in peace with yourself, you can spend too much time in solitude - especially if said time is spent moping or not doing anything to help you in the long run. A lot of my time alone was spent thinking of how miserable I felt about myself and life, thinking about self-destructive thoughts, and just unhealthy things. Worse was that I felt like I had little support outside of my feeling, which is not a good feeling to have. There have been times where I've honestly felt like I've had no good friends I could call up to just vent to, and I don't like that. Hopefully, I'll learn to cope better and possibly maintain strong relationships with people whom I need in my life (and vice versa).
I feel like I could dub this as one of the "worst" years of my life, but that's not entirely true. There were some pleasant things that happened. The time I got to meet two actors from Under The Dome was awesome (and a moment I will never forget<3)
This was also the year I started paying attention to my feelings and realizing that my unhealthy thinking patterns were not serving me any purpose. This was the year I decided to change, or try to change, for the better. Despite my ups and downs, I did try moving forward. And perhaps nearly hitting (or hitting) rockbottom made me realize that I can't continue my life like this.
I've also realized that happiness is my ultimate goal in life. Before I guess I was thinking about other things, like school and work, and though I still think those things are important to my living, it's not my goal to get a job or whatever. Come to think of it, I don't know if I ever really knew what my goal in life was - that's a big question! I think I was living like that as a kid, but as I got older I fell into the trap of thinking I had to get a good job to be happy and all of these other sort of things that really weren't important. If you're not happy, nothing else even matters - trust me.
The happiest people don't have things that make them happy - things may bring them joy, but they have inner joy that they tap into daily. It doesn't matter if they're rich or poor, man or women, whatever ethnicity they are, what their job is (or lack of) job is. That's why suicide isn't determined by people's living conditions or anything like that - it's determined by their happiness. Like sayings go, nothing can buy it. It's a state of being happy with yourself and finding happiness, choosing to see the good side of things (and possibly using humor when things get rough). It's not so clear-cut, . You can work on it everyday. It may not be easy, but the act of changing your thoughts to more positive ones isn't so egregious and complicated. It's simple.
So I guess that's at least one thing I learned this year that worked for my good. I'm trying to build my spirits up, because honestly, sometimes I just feel so down. And when I'm not feeling down, I usually feel numb. I want to get back to that mostly-satisfied state I had as a child. Even if I wasn't completely happy as a kid, I know I must have seen something differently, because I never thought about ending my own life as a kid. But maybe I'll never get back to that. But that doesn't mean I have to be unhappy for the rest of my life. I really hope I do mature from being a kid and be happier with each given year.
2015 is going to be a better year for me. Not that 2014 is bad, but I want each and every year to get even better than the previous ones. I made mistakes, not everything that happened to me felt good, and I can say for sure that just about nothing went as plan. But I hope that I'll be okay. I realize that, in spite of some of the things we go through, no one is completely destroyed, even if you feel that way. The world doesn't collapse. I truly want to believe that everything will be okay, and is okay. It's not "perfect" or expected, but it's okay.
This is more a speech for myself, because I'm really struggling right now, but if it does help someone out there who's reading, then I'll be really happy. I'm one person I hope it'll help. I hope that I'll be able to look back at my posts when I'm older and see a change. I know I have changed, even if I don't feel like I've gotten very far at times. We all have. I'm going to work on forgiving myself for my mistakes and learning to move on. I can learn from my mistakes.
Those are my words for this year. 2014 was an unforgettable year, like every other year is. I'll see you guys next year!
Saturday, December 27, 2014
Saturday, December 20, 2014
Two Weeks Till Break
I enjoyed the Once Upon A Time mid finale, especially since RUMPLE FINALLY GOT CAUGHT!!! WHOHOO!!! THANK YOU BELLE!!! Seriously, though, I was practically doing my happy dance when she called Rumple out for his mess. I was getting so SICK and TIRED of him getting away with everything, acting like he could have two things (Belle and power). Hook nearly died, too, because of him - ugh, I knew they wouldn't kill him off, but seriously, I was worried until Belle came in like a total hotshot and told it to him straight! Yes! I feel bad for Regina, though, having to give up Robin Hood AGAIN, because apparently, when she tries to be good and redeem herself, bad things happen :/ But I had tried to have faith, believing that they were right about villains always losing, and look what happened! Henry's helping Regina find the author to make herself happy (as well as Emma helping her - I love those two together :D) and to top it off, there's an awesome-looking teamup Rumple's doing with three villainous ladies from Disney - Maleficent, Cruella, and Ursula. I don't know why, but I'm so flipping excited for those three ladies ;) haha
But what am I going to do now? OUAT won't be on again until March, and Agents of Shield is off now, I think...Yeah, I know I only watch two televisions series, so my options are low, but still - most of them end now, right? Ah, whatever...I think Switched At Birth has a special that may be coming on next week or so...maybe I'll take a peek, I don't want to make too many assumptions just yet. And My Little Pony returns next year, right? In the meantime, while I'm hollering for 2015 to come around the corner, I'll be binge watching both Boy Meets World and Family Ties. Seriously, though, it's going to be a long week consisting of 80s and 90s televisios shows, possibly with a combination of old Saturday morning cartoons found on Youtube :) Talk about going back in time! xD
I finished What Happened To Goodbye! The ending kind of surprising, but I was satisfied. It wasn't that perfect "happily-ever-after"that I thought it was, but it was a happy ending :) Oh, and two people I shipped/thought may get together? They ended up getting together, so yeah :) I'm not talking about the love interest of the protagonist, because that one was obvious, but her father. Anyway, I liked it. Like I said, romance isn't really my thing, not when it's by itself, but when it's with other things going on, but this was a pretty good book. I'd give it 3.5/5 stars
Amidst all the freaky fangirl stuff, I have been having more serious thoughts. I think I'll label this section "falling down and rising back up", because that's what's been happening not only these last two months in the year, but the whole year itself.
I wrote on my "A Very Special Post" (or whatever I had called it) how down I was feeling, how I was lying to myself and felt really unhappy, and how I was going to change that. Well, guess what? I feel back down again. And I'm really upset, but I'm also telling myself that I'm human, so it's natural. I am having a hard time getting back up, and through it all, I see that I may not actually have completely healed as much as I would have liked myself to believe.
One of the things I was proudest (and probably vainest) about my recovering was that I could do most of it on my own. I would read self-help books and get occasional advice from people, but I thought I could handle it on my own. I heard that you were the only one who could change your life, so I thought that meant you pretty much had to do EVERYTHING on your own. And not only did it make me feel overwhelmed, it also made me feel like I had to put myself on-top of others.
I think that arrogance is probably just a trait we get whenever we feel like we have to put ourselves above others so that we can feel better about ourselves. That's how I feel, at least. Even when I was feeling overloaded, I kept telling myself to keep going, but I didn't get any help from anyone. I barely asked for help, and if I did, it was probably because I was asked if I needed help from someone else. I thought I didn't need to go to others to help. I thought I was beings strong, I guess.
And eventually I fell, as I posted last week. And through the pain, whenever I can think straight, I feel humble now and realize one very big mistake I made: I didn't get the support of others. There's a verse in Proverbs that mentions how pride goes before a fall, and that could not be truer in my case. I felt like I had to do a lot and I probably fed my ego that way so that I would feel better about myself, and look at where I ended up: back on the ground.
But don't worry - I'm feeling better now :) I just made a big revelation today that's making me feel SO much better. I'm not going to say that I'm totally okay, because if I immediately jump on it I may be more likely to spiral down just as quickly, but I certainly feel better. Like maybe I can enjoy this break that's coming up (I was dreading it before, as amazing as that sounds).
Thanks, as always, for reading my blogpost (to whoever's reading, of course!) I may not see you but it feels good to share and be honest, even if it's just me typing out my words and reading them. I hope you all have a wonderful week! :D
But what am I going to do now? OUAT won't be on again until March, and Agents of Shield is off now, I think...Yeah, I know I only watch two televisions series, so my options are low, but still - most of them end now, right? Ah, whatever...I think Switched At Birth has a special that may be coming on next week or so...maybe I'll take a peek, I don't want to make too many assumptions just yet. And My Little Pony returns next year, right? In the meantime, while I'm hollering for 2015 to come around the corner, I'll be binge watching both Boy Meets World and Family Ties. Seriously, though, it's going to be a long week consisting of 80s and 90s televisios shows, possibly with a combination of old Saturday morning cartoons found on Youtube :) Talk about going back in time! xD
I finished What Happened To Goodbye! The ending kind of surprising, but I was satisfied. It wasn't that perfect "happily-ever-after"that I thought it was, but it was a happy ending :) Oh, and two people I shipped/thought may get together? They ended up getting together, so yeah :) I'm not talking about the love interest of the protagonist, because that one was obvious, but her father. Anyway, I liked it. Like I said, romance isn't really my thing, not when it's by itself, but when it's with other things going on, but this was a pretty good book. I'd give it 3.5/5 stars
Amidst all the freaky fangirl stuff, I have been having more serious thoughts. I think I'll label this section "falling down and rising back up", because that's what's been happening not only these last two months in the year, but the whole year itself.
I wrote on my "A Very Special Post" (or whatever I had called it) how down I was feeling, how I was lying to myself and felt really unhappy, and how I was going to change that. Well, guess what? I feel back down again. And I'm really upset, but I'm also telling myself that I'm human, so it's natural. I am having a hard time getting back up, and through it all, I see that I may not actually have completely healed as much as I would have liked myself to believe.
One of the things I was proudest (and probably vainest) about my recovering was that I could do most of it on my own. I would read self-help books and get occasional advice from people, but I thought I could handle it on my own. I heard that you were the only one who could change your life, so I thought that meant you pretty much had to do EVERYTHING on your own. And not only did it make me feel overwhelmed, it also made me feel like I had to put myself on-top of others.
I think that arrogance is probably just a trait we get whenever we feel like we have to put ourselves above others so that we can feel better about ourselves. That's how I feel, at least. Even when I was feeling overloaded, I kept telling myself to keep going, but I didn't get any help from anyone. I barely asked for help, and if I did, it was probably because I was asked if I needed help from someone else. I thought I didn't need to go to others to help. I thought I was beings strong, I guess.
And eventually I fell, as I posted last week. And through the pain, whenever I can think straight, I feel humble now and realize one very big mistake I made: I didn't get the support of others. There's a verse in Proverbs that mentions how pride goes before a fall, and that could not be truer in my case. I felt like I had to do a lot and I probably fed my ego that way so that I would feel better about myself, and look at where I ended up: back on the ground.
But don't worry - I'm feeling better now :) I just made a big revelation today that's making me feel SO much better. I'm not going to say that I'm totally okay, because if I immediately jump on it I may be more likely to spiral down just as quickly, but I certainly feel better. Like maybe I can enjoy this break that's coming up (I was dreading it before, as amazing as that sounds).
Thanks, as always, for reading my blogpost (to whoever's reading, of course!) I may not see you but it feels good to share and be honest, even if it's just me typing out my words and reading them. I hope you all have a wonderful week! :D
Saturday, December 13, 2014
Holidays Are Coming Up!
'Tis the season to be jolly! Every season is, of course, but I know people are excited for this season :) Not only are we getting a break (which I so am looking forward to), but we've also got holidays coming up! Whether you celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah or New Year's Day or whatever holiday that's coming up, you should all have a great day :D We need vacations and holidays and such to help us unwind and reflect on everything that's happened. 2014 has certainly been an interesting year (as all years have), and we've had our ups and downs, but overall everything's OK. I may be saying that more for my sake then anyone else's, but I do hope anyone reading this will keep that in mind :)
I really don't like how they're making Rumple on Once Upon A Time now :/ Even though I enjoyed last week's episode (especially seeing everyone under the Shattered Sight spell - Snow and Charming were especially funny, especially Snow xD), Rumple just left me with a bad taste in my mouth. The freaking Snow Queen redeemed herself! (I'm not sure how I feel about that - I felt like it was too quick for the people who had only known her as manipulative and evil but it made sense in the context of her backstory) Yet Rumple can't? How many people have to sacrifice themselves for YOU to live, Rumple? (Yes, I am aware that I am talking to a fictional character and don't care) I mean, Cora died for you (though that was Snow White's fault - I loved how she said "I killed the Evil Queen's mommy" and acted like she wasn't as innocent as she seemed under the curse xD) and Neal did, too! Gosh! He was getting somewhere with his character development but now he's just uck.
Oh, well. This Frozen arc's almost over, as is the first half of this season, and maybe we'll get somewhere with Rumple. Even though I'm not really into the one-arc villain story, I am surprisingly excited that they're bringing in Cruella (yay!), Ursula (yay!) and Maleficent (huh? I thought she was killed) Three of the baddest Disney villainesses all on OUAT? Heck yeah!
I know I haven't been talking about Agents of Shield as much, but that's mainly because I haven't been watching it as much. I've been trying to go to bed earlier so I only catch half of the show now. But let's see what I remember...Skye finally met her emotionally-unstable psychotic dad who's often got blood on his hands like a butcher. Oh, and I'm pretty sure she's an alien...I have NO idea what Ward wants anymore. He went from being meh in most of season 1 to being "huh?" when we found out he was working with Hydra to now being a guy whom I have no idea what his motives are anymore - and I'm not sure I really care :/ Seriously, let's just get rid of him. I don't like his character anymore. But at least I like the other characters (especially May, who's gotten less brooding and more awesome :D)
The book What Happened To Goodbye is an enjoyable read, but romance has never really been my thing. So you may be wondering why I even picked it up, right? xD The truth is, I needed something to read to help with writing (and for the joy of reading, of course :D), and I've heard Sarah Dessen's books are good, and I do like contemporary fiction, so I figured that I'd check it out. I promise, I may not read much romance in the future (unless it's in the context of a humorous romance) because it kind of bores me when that's the main plot. I do love a good romance (no pun intended) but I really get hooked when there's mad chemistry between the characters - there's got to be a LOT and I mean a LOT of good chemistry, like it's fricking sparks igniting (lol), or otherwise I'm kind of "meh" or here-nor-there with the romance - I'm feeling the latter in this novel. Actually, I'm not really into the characters in this books (I do like them, and really like a few), so that's probably part of the reason I'm not as into this book as I would like to be. But you know, it's a good book. I plan on finishing it, too.
Speaking of books, I've made a list of bunch of them I want to get on some notes, and I tried putting them on my "to-read" lists on GoodReads. Surprisingly, I had a lot of romance novels on there, but I did put a humorous-looking one (see?) on there that I read a preview of and think I'll enjoy - it's called To All The Boys I've Loved Before by Jenny Han. I've gotta see if my library has it, but I might have to wait...I don't want to buy it just yet because I'm not sure I want it.
Okay, fangirl alert - I saw this awhile ago, but now I have more information on it - WHY IS THERE GOING TO BE ANOTHER SELECTION BOOK??? I thought the series was over! And it's going to be set 20 years in the future, with America and Maxon's daughter in the Selection! WHY??? I thought that the Selection would be eradicated! Granted, it would probably take more than 20 years, but they can't just be okay with this,can they? Especially America? Ugh, I'm just so confused right now, and feeling conflicted...of course I WANT to read it, or at least check it out, but I'm just so...I just can't right now, people, I just can't. I have to wait until May 2015 or just stop making assumptions...so far away...so much freaking stuff happening in 2015, people! Can we all handle the entertainment abundance? xD
To be honest, I haven't been writing much (shame on me!) Aside from my diary, though, I really haven't been writing...It's not that I don't want to, because I know I do, but I'm just running out of ideas! Usually I'd blame it on not reading lately, but that leads to the question of why I haven't read lately, which leads me to the simple fact that I haven't felt like it. Lately, I had been feeling out of sorts...
Even though I thought I was learning to handle my depressive feelings, that proved wrong. I was doing okay for awhile, and right now I'm okay, but I was feeling horrible a few days ago or so. It's like whenever I heard about the stuff with Ferguson and police officers beating people up and Ebola and all the bad stuff going on, I just collapse. I don't watch the news anymore, but of course I hear about it from social media - and even with the decrease of my social media use (or trying to decrease it), I still heard about it from other people. For awhile I just tried avoiding it, but apparently that's not working...I'm not actually dealing with the problem, I realize, but rather ignoring it. This usually makes me feel numb, and just really horrible.
I think I made the mistake of thinking that I could deal with all of my problems on my own. Yes, I had help from self-help books and quotes, but that doesn't replace face-to-face conversations. I started avoiding people, I realize, whenever I felt down. And this just made me bottle up my feelings and feel really horrible. I can't deal with all my feelings on my own. I know that, ultimately, only I can change myself, but in the process, I missed a very important aspect of recovery: getting help. So I talked to my friends about this and my mom, and I've considered talking to someone. I know I feel fine now, and I don't feel like I need therapy or anything, but how long is that going to last? I can't keep going through this cycle of feeling OK sometimes and horrible the next. There's never really a time when I feel truly happy - there hasn't been for years, actually. But I'm going to get some help now.
Sorry for the sort-of depressing post there...I just felt like I needed to get it off my chest. I'm working on being more honest with myself now. I know I'm not going to tell every intricate detail of my life to the public, but I can at least stop pretending that I'm okay when I'm not. "I'm fine" is the most consistent lie I have ever told, and I'm sure others have, too. It's okay for me to not be okay all the time, I'm realizing, as long as I get help to feeling okay. I'm not going to be really depressing or anything - I tried to keep most of this post upbeat and positive - but I'm also not going to pretend that I'm happy when I'm not. If I start identifying my emotions, I know I'll be better at handling them (emotional intelligence, a newish word to my vocabulary ;)
But don't worry about me; I'll be fine. I know that I can get through this, even though I may not feel like this somedays. And I have had some good things happen to me, so it's not like it's all bad. That creative writing workshop I went to those weeks ago was fun, and of course I LOVED the Thanksgiving meal that we had. 2014 may have been challenging, but I refuse to say that it's all been bad. It hasn't. It's not so much "bad" or "good" as it is that things just affected me and it made me feel bad. But I'm okay. Everything's going to be OK :)
I really don't like how they're making Rumple on Once Upon A Time now :/ Even though I enjoyed last week's episode (especially seeing everyone under the Shattered Sight spell - Snow and Charming were especially funny, especially Snow xD), Rumple just left me with a bad taste in my mouth. The freaking Snow Queen redeemed herself! (I'm not sure how I feel about that - I felt like it was too quick for the people who had only known her as manipulative and evil but it made sense in the context of her backstory) Yet Rumple can't? How many people have to sacrifice themselves for YOU to live, Rumple? (Yes, I am aware that I am talking to a fictional character and don't care) I mean, Cora died for you (though that was Snow White's fault - I loved how she said "I killed the Evil Queen's mommy" and acted like she wasn't as innocent as she seemed under the curse xD) and Neal did, too! Gosh! He was getting somewhere with his character development but now he's just uck.
Oh, well. This Frozen arc's almost over, as is the first half of this season, and maybe we'll get somewhere with Rumple. Even though I'm not really into the one-arc villain story, I am surprisingly excited that they're bringing in Cruella (yay!), Ursula (yay!) and Maleficent (huh? I thought she was killed) Three of the baddest Disney villainesses all on OUAT? Heck yeah!
I know I haven't been talking about Agents of Shield as much, but that's mainly because I haven't been watching it as much. I've been trying to go to bed earlier so I only catch half of the show now. But let's see what I remember...Skye finally met her emotionally-unstable psychotic dad who's often got blood on his hands like a butcher. Oh, and I'm pretty sure she's an alien...I have NO idea what Ward wants anymore. He went from being meh in most of season 1 to being "huh?" when we found out he was working with Hydra to now being a guy whom I have no idea what his motives are anymore - and I'm not sure I really care :/ Seriously, let's just get rid of him. I don't like his character anymore. But at least I like the other characters (especially May, who's gotten less brooding and more awesome :D)
The book What Happened To Goodbye is an enjoyable read, but romance has never really been my thing. So you may be wondering why I even picked it up, right? xD The truth is, I needed something to read to help with writing (and for the joy of reading, of course :D), and I've heard Sarah Dessen's books are good, and I do like contemporary fiction, so I figured that I'd check it out. I promise, I may not read much romance in the future (unless it's in the context of a humorous romance) because it kind of bores me when that's the main plot. I do love a good romance (no pun intended) but I really get hooked when there's mad chemistry between the characters - there's got to be a LOT and I mean a LOT of good chemistry, like it's fricking sparks igniting (lol), or otherwise I'm kind of "meh" or here-nor-there with the romance - I'm feeling the latter in this novel. Actually, I'm not really into the characters in this books (I do like them, and really like a few), so that's probably part of the reason I'm not as into this book as I would like to be. But you know, it's a good book. I plan on finishing it, too.
Speaking of books, I've made a list of bunch of them I want to get on some notes, and I tried putting them on my "to-read" lists on GoodReads. Surprisingly, I had a lot of romance novels on there, but I did put a humorous-looking one (see?) on there that I read a preview of and think I'll enjoy - it's called To All The Boys I've Loved Before by Jenny Han. I've gotta see if my library has it, but I might have to wait...I don't want to buy it just yet because I'm not sure I want it.
Okay, fangirl alert - I saw this awhile ago, but now I have more information on it - WHY IS THERE GOING TO BE ANOTHER SELECTION BOOK??? I thought the series was over! And it's going to be set 20 years in the future, with America and Maxon's daughter in the Selection! WHY??? I thought that the Selection would be eradicated! Granted, it would probably take more than 20 years, but they can't just be okay with this,can they? Especially America? Ugh, I'm just so confused right now, and feeling conflicted...of course I WANT to read it, or at least check it out, but I'm just so...I just can't right now, people, I just can't. I have to wait until May 2015 or just stop making assumptions...so far away...so much freaking stuff happening in 2015, people! Can we all handle the entertainment abundance? xD
To be honest, I haven't been writing much (shame on me!) Aside from my diary, though, I really haven't been writing...It's not that I don't want to, because I know I do, but I'm just running out of ideas! Usually I'd blame it on not reading lately, but that leads to the question of why I haven't read lately, which leads me to the simple fact that I haven't felt like it. Lately, I had been feeling out of sorts...
Even though I thought I was learning to handle my depressive feelings, that proved wrong. I was doing okay for awhile, and right now I'm okay, but I was feeling horrible a few days ago or so. It's like whenever I heard about the stuff with Ferguson and police officers beating people up and Ebola and all the bad stuff going on, I just collapse. I don't watch the news anymore, but of course I hear about it from social media - and even with the decrease of my social media use (or trying to decrease it), I still heard about it from other people. For awhile I just tried avoiding it, but apparently that's not working...I'm not actually dealing with the problem, I realize, but rather ignoring it. This usually makes me feel numb, and just really horrible.
I think I made the mistake of thinking that I could deal with all of my problems on my own. Yes, I had help from self-help books and quotes, but that doesn't replace face-to-face conversations. I started avoiding people, I realize, whenever I felt down. And this just made me bottle up my feelings and feel really horrible. I can't deal with all my feelings on my own. I know that, ultimately, only I can change myself, but in the process, I missed a very important aspect of recovery: getting help. So I talked to my friends about this and my mom, and I've considered talking to someone. I know I feel fine now, and I don't feel like I need therapy or anything, but how long is that going to last? I can't keep going through this cycle of feeling OK sometimes and horrible the next. There's never really a time when I feel truly happy - there hasn't been for years, actually. But I'm going to get some help now.
Sorry for the sort-of depressing post there...I just felt like I needed to get it off my chest. I'm working on being more honest with myself now. I know I'm not going to tell every intricate detail of my life to the public, but I can at least stop pretending that I'm okay when I'm not. "I'm fine" is the most consistent lie I have ever told, and I'm sure others have, too. It's okay for me to not be okay all the time, I'm realizing, as long as I get help to feeling okay. I'm not going to be really depressing or anything - I tried to keep most of this post upbeat and positive - but I'm also not going to pretend that I'm happy when I'm not. If I start identifying my emotions, I know I'll be better at handling them (emotional intelligence, a newish word to my vocabulary ;)
But don't worry about me; I'll be fine. I know that I can get through this, even though I may not feel like this somedays. And I have had some good things happen to me, so it's not like it's all bad. That creative writing workshop I went to those weeks ago was fun, and of course I LOVED the Thanksgiving meal that we had. 2014 may have been challenging, but I refuse to say that it's all been bad. It hasn't. It's not so much "bad" or "good" as it is that things just affected me and it made me feel bad. But I'm okay. Everything's going to be OK :)
Saturday, December 6, 2014
What Happened In November
Here is a review on some things that happened in November, which includes some things I may have forgotten to post last week ;) It's in no particular order, even though I did try to put some of them in order, but it's no perfect timeline or anything xD
1. I went to a creative writing workshop at my brother's college! He was talking about how his creative writing teacher was hosting a workshop and wanted Manny and some other classmate there and he knows I'm into creative writing, so he asked me if I wanted him to ask the teacher if I could go (lol this is getting convoluted) and I basically said yes. So he asked and I guess she said yes! :)
Anyway, that was fun :D I got to meet a few of his classmate friends beforehand (I felt kinda like a third wheel, but my mother assured me that that was normal. It wasn't like I had met these people before, lol). One girl complimented my earrings, but it took me a moment to realize what she had said (delayed reaction--happens a lot to Fairley :P lol) and I said thanks but forgot to tell her I made them. Anyway...I met the teacher, too, and thanked her for letting me sit in the class. She seemed pretty laid back and happy that I was there :)
Eventually (not too long afterward), we went into the classroom, where someone had brought some goodies (water bottles, carpi sun, and some cookies/desserts!) And then we sat down and class got started. I learned some new things there, like some words (onomatopoeia is my new favorite word xD) and some new strategies on how I could improve on my writing. At the end I got a water bottle and ate some DELICIOUS cookies (yum!) So yeah, the whole experience was fun :)
2. Thanksgiving happened! I wrote about that last week, of course :) But it's still worth nothing :)
3. My maternal grandfather came over that following Saturday.
4. My maternal grandmother (Meemaw) came over the next day.
5. I started reading City of Angels but stopped. I wrote about that last week, too (see? I didn't forget everything!) I feel like my writing skills are lagging because I haven't read anything I've really wanted to, lately, so I'm going to start reading some older books in the house until I get to the library.
6. I won NaNoWriMo (and subsequently wrote my first novel). That was definitely exciting! I know it's the reason I haven't posted in awhile, but it was totally worth it, even if I don't do it again next year. It really taught me to stick to a goal, as I told you before, and made me write more consistently and made me have no time for things like writer's block or not being in the mood to write.
I can't think of much else that has happened the past weeks or so. Finals are coming up in college for my older brother, and I guess I'll be graduating my first semester in 12th grade. Even though I'm stoked about starting college next fall, I don't think I even realize how much time has passed by O_O That's why we should enjoy every moment. Capture it. When it's gone, you won't feel upset, really, because you lived fully in the moment.
Just some words of wisdom I've learned from others :) Happy Holidays, everyone! Here's hoping we'll make 2015 an even better year than 2014! (But don't forget to enjoy 2014, of course. The year's not over yet ;)
1. I went to a creative writing workshop at my brother's college! He was talking about how his creative writing teacher was hosting a workshop and wanted Manny and some other classmate there and he knows I'm into creative writing, so he asked me if I wanted him to ask the teacher if I could go (lol this is getting convoluted) and I basically said yes. So he asked and I guess she said yes! :)
Anyway, that was fun :D I got to meet a few of his classmate friends beforehand (I felt kinda like a third wheel, but my mother assured me that that was normal. It wasn't like I had met these people before, lol). One girl complimented my earrings, but it took me a moment to realize what she had said (delayed reaction--happens a lot to Fairley :P lol) and I said thanks but forgot to tell her I made them. Anyway...I met the teacher, too, and thanked her for letting me sit in the class. She seemed pretty laid back and happy that I was there :)
Eventually (not too long afterward), we went into the classroom, where someone had brought some goodies (water bottles, carpi sun, and some cookies/desserts!) And then we sat down and class got started. I learned some new things there, like some words (onomatopoeia is my new favorite word xD) and some new strategies on how I could improve on my writing. At the end I got a water bottle and ate some DELICIOUS cookies (yum!) So yeah, the whole experience was fun :)
2. Thanksgiving happened! I wrote about that last week, of course :) But it's still worth nothing :)
3. My maternal grandfather came over that following Saturday.
4. My maternal grandmother (Meemaw) came over the next day.
5. I started reading City of Angels but stopped. I wrote about that last week, too (see? I didn't forget everything!) I feel like my writing skills are lagging because I haven't read anything I've really wanted to, lately, so I'm going to start reading some older books in the house until I get to the library.
6. I won NaNoWriMo (and subsequently wrote my first novel). That was definitely exciting! I know it's the reason I haven't posted in awhile, but it was totally worth it, even if I don't do it again next year. It really taught me to stick to a goal, as I told you before, and made me write more consistently and made me have no time for things like writer's block or not being in the mood to write.
I can't think of much else that has happened the past weeks or so. Finals are coming up in college for my older brother, and I guess I'll be graduating my first semester in 12th grade. Even though I'm stoked about starting college next fall, I don't think I even realize how much time has passed by O_O That's why we should enjoy every moment. Capture it. When it's gone, you won't feel upset, really, because you lived fully in the moment.
Just some words of wisdom I've learned from others :) Happy Holidays, everyone! Here's hoping we'll make 2015 an even better year than 2014! (But don't forget to enjoy 2014, of course. The year's not over yet ;)
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