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Saturday, January 31, 2015

Explanation For My Absense

I was absent last week, and the week after that, which I apologize for. Honestly, I wasn't feeling up for it. All of the stuff going on in my head made me not feel like writing a blogpost, which I hate, but it's made me realize that I have to get my mental health into a good place.

But I've finally gotten some help! The past week (more likely the first three days) have certainly been interesting, to say the least, but I'm glad I finally went out to seek some help. We went through a few different people, so the process was kind of long, but I'll log down what's happened so far:

Monday I went to a psychologist - it was a lady who was also seeing another family member of mine, so that's how my mom knew her. I told her some of the mental disturbances going on in my mind and she wanted me hospitalized, but I nor my mom felt like I was in any immediate danger, so we didn't go.

The next day, we went to a behavioral center place in another city and I talked to a nurse there. I basically told her the same thing. Again, this person recommended me being admitted, but not into a hospital, I don't think - it was more like I was going to stay in their rehab center for a week. My parents had someone else that we agreed to see, a person whom my dad had worked with, and possibly some other people, so we left.

Wednesday we went up to an even farther city (two hours or so away from home) and arrived at the other place. I talked to the people there and eventually a psychiatrist. Maybe it was because of all the talking I had done before, but I felt very relieved and comfortable after all this was done. I may be able to video cam with another psychiatrist - we'll meet them in person first, of course, but after that I may do the other thing so we won't have to make a weekly two-hour trip - so everything seems to be working out so far, just like we hoped :)

I also got prescribed some medications to help. I haven't gotten a diagnosis yet, but they're suspecting that it's anxiety, depression (probably due to the anxiety in my opinion) and psychosis. The antidepressant I'm on is supposed to help with both of those. I'll also be taking some sleep medication but I'll probably get off of that quicker than the other medication. I used to be opposed to medication because I heard all the side effects of some and thought I should have tried getting better on my own, but for me that didn't work. And there's nothing "weak" about taking medication - you've just got to do what works for you, which I'm starting to learn.

Even though it was difficult repeating myself over again to different people and admitting thoughts I was ashamed/didn't want to have, I think it got easier when I finally realized that 1). my family didn't think I was crazy for feeling this way/having these thoughts and 2) the doctors and nurses didn't think I was crazy, either. Everyone genuinely wanted to help me. I know it shouldn't have been a surprise, but I just felt like I was crazy and still do, though it's to a lesser extent.

But I'm not going crazy. Something is wrong with my brain. I'm experiencing a mental disturbance of some kind, and, just like a physical malfunction, need some help. I'm going to start treating mental illness like physical illness instead of just dismissing it. It is very serious, and if you don't get help due to stigma it's likely to get worse. Denying it was one of the worst things I did and I regret it deeply. Looking back I regret listening to my fear and not telling anyone what was going on before it got to this point.

But it is what it is. I would say "better late than never" but I'm not sure it's "late" or not. Well, it's not "late" - it could have been done earlier, but it's not too late. But at least I can learn to talk now and be honest with people who want to help me. Asking for help is one of the best things I've ever done. The secrets were destroying me possibly even more than my mental health problems. Secrets really do make you sick.

So that's been my week so far. It's been kind of up and down at times, but I hope I'm making progress. Being honest is progress, so I should keep that in mind. And seeing a therapist I feel is going to be right for me. So I am moving, just slowly, but I have to remind myself that I AM moving forward. What was that quote by Abraham Lincoln? "I walk slowly, but I never walk backwards." I really like that :)

Saturday, January 3, 2015

2015 Has Arrived!

I was going to title this post "New Year", but I wasn't sure if I had written that last year as the title for my blog post. But anyway, 2015 is here! Can you believe it? I know I ALWAYS say this, but the years go by so fast. I guess that's why people are always saying "live in the moment" so that it won't escape you. And the first day never feels like it's a new year - you have to wait a month or so until it really does (at least I do ;)

It's been two years??? since I first started my blog? I think it was back in 2013, I think, because my old blog was gone due to the website shutting down (the HomeschoolBlogger website I used to talk about all the time xD). Wow. Two years goes by fast, doesn't it?

High School Musical came on Disney during the days leading up to the new year. I watched it partly out of nostalgia, but honestly, even though it is cheesy, it doesn't take itself seriously, and I just find it so darn entertaining ;) The cast had so much pep. I can't believe that was 8 years ago...I remember when HSM was practically a Disney phenomenon...I'm kinda upset that it just ended and no one really talks about it anymore, but I guess it had its place and time. And besides, it's got a bit of a cult following, so I'm glad some people still like it and that it hasn't completely faded from existence.

And speaking of Disney nostalgia, ABC Family was (and I think still is) doing a throwback of Disney shows like Lizzie McGuire and That's So Raven and they aired Halloweentown. But it was on at like 12am, so I wasn't up :/ But seriously, seeing that made me so happy. I didn't watch Lizzie McGuire growing up but I did see That's So Raven and I still love it :)

Anna And The French Kiss is good, okay. I'm not sure why I keep reading romance when I say I'm not really into it :p lol. But I keep thinking that coming of age won't just deal with romance but also someone maturing as a person, so I like that. But this may be the last time I read a romance novel. I'm having a hard time getting into it. It is good, though, just not my thing.

I didn't really do anything on New Year's Eve. In the past, I had stayed up until midnight, but I just decided not to do it today. I did, however, see some fireworks that my neighbors had through my bedroom window. I tried to get some pictures/a video of it but it's blurry.

The film extravaganza begins this year xD Here are the films I'm looking forward to watch:

Avengers: Age of Ultron
Mockingjay Part 2 (I need to watch Part 1, of course)
Star Wars: The Force Awakens

I know it's not that much, but I don't go to the movies too often. Just when a film I really want to see is on, or if I'm maybe looking to hang out with some friends. But I hope the ones I chose are going to be really good :D Star Wars excites me because I have never seen a Star Wars film in theaters (I wish I had been alive during the 70s xD). The only movies I would have remembered seeing in theaters would be Attack of The Clones and Revenge of The Sith (I do remember a trailer for the later :), but I never watched the movies until ROTS and the other films were all on blueray. But anyway, I'm excited. I should totally geek out and wear like Jedi robes and carry a lightsaber :)

I know I'm not posting much, but I haven't had much going on. Once the break's over, hopefully more will go on that I can post about. Gosh, I can't believe I'm gonna be 18 this year O_O Where has the time gone? I'm not ready to be an adult! xD Lol. I mean, I honestly don't feel like I am, but I guess I'll make through. Even when I'm older, I still want to be a kid at heart :D

Well, that's been it for the week. Happy New Year, everyone!!!