Monday, August 7, 2017

Suicide Isn't Selfish (Serious Post)

Saying suicide is selfish is one of the most victim-blaming statements I have ever heard. And despite people being less taboo about the topic and challenging this line of thinking, it still persists. I cannot tell you how many times I've seen people tell others, those who have died or those are contemplating it, that they are being selfish, that their family will be broken, etc. And this is a dangerous line of thinking, but as I'm coming to understand people project their own feelings onto others all the time. Disparaging the suicidal is no different, though it's not something anyone wants to talk about. But I am going to delve into why people say this and hopefully change the perception to undo victim shaming.

People don't like death. That's a pretty commonly held belief. You don't like it. No one likes it. It's the end of life as we know it, and that's scary as hell. We know life and are very familiar with it. Despite suffering, most people generally enjoy life, and even if they didn't, this is what they're used to. We're all used to it. To have that stripped away from you is terrifying. It's not even the state of losing life that always scares people; it's the fact that death is unknown, an uncertainty. And we don't like that.

Humans never like change. I can attest to that. We're used to living in our comfortable ways. Death is not apart of that. Since we obviously can't talk to the dead, we don't know what it's like and we don't know what to prepare ourselves for? What if it's awful? What if you turn into nothingness? If you're religious, you might ask if you'll go to heaven or be doomed to hell. It's a scary thought, and as humans, we don't like to think about it nor talk about it.

I would wager to say, however, that death of a loved one is more devastating than the thought of your own death. And this makes perfect sense. We often value other's lives more than our own, as horrible as that is. Think about how many times you criticize yourself in a way you'd never criticize your friend. You say you're ugly, worthless, stupid, and just not good enough. Now imagine saying that to a friend. Pretty rude, huh? But it's because we live with ourselves that we're okay with that. We think since we are ourselves it's okay to be rude because we're dishing it and taking it. It's all coming from us so it's acceptable.

When someone else is hurt, most of us feel for that person. We imagine how they must feel and that's what makes it hurt. We don't know how it feels, but because of empathy we can't help but wonder. And since we don't know, our imagination goes in all sorts of places. The never-ending trails of what-ifs begin to start, and there's no stopping it unless you choose to consciously make that choice.

I'm not as afraid of death like I used to be. I still dread it sometimes, but I'm not nearly as worried for myself to die as I am for someone else I care about. I can't actually assume how someone feels when they're dead, if they feel anything at all. They could be at peace. They may not be. But my fear of losing someone stems from what I feel. I need that person in my life. You probably feel the same way. In a way, it's not about the person you love or their needs, but your own. And while that sounds selfish, it really isn't. You don't have to be rude to be self-serving. Despite the way we talk to ourselves sometimes, we do actually care about our own wellbeing enough. We have friends to give us moral support, parents to guide us, people to help us feel better about ourselves. That's the give and take we have in relationships, so of course not having that person around anymore is going to hurt.

But I think it can be comforting to think about them for a second. Think about the dead person and how they're feeling. Do you know? We don't. It's like instances where you've been hurt or something similar and someone freaks out. You may be less freaked out than they are. Because of that whole mindset we have, where we go around in circles on how someone's feelings, we sometimes come up with worse scenarios than how they're feeling. As a deeply emphatic person, I've felt this, and I've had to pull myself out of this mindset, because the simple fact is despite my empathy and relating to feelings, I cannot know exactly how they feel because I'm not them. And we can go do the runaround with how death feels all day long, asking people what their thoughts on it are, speak to people who've had near-death experiences.At the end of the day, we'll never truly know how that person feels until we die ourselves. And while that's a bitter pill the swallow, it can put things in perspective.

I said all of that to get back to suicide. Since we have those feelings towards our loved ones and death, we really don't want to think about suicide. It hurts when someone finds out about it. Some people feel like that person left them. How could they? You feel like you needed them. You can't help but think how they could just forget about you, your relationship with them, everything.

But I can tell you from experience that suicide has nothing to do with you. This isn't to be rude; this is me stating a fact. Just imagine all of the horrible life events you've experienced twice fold; imagine them never getting better no matter how hard you try to stay positive and mindful and everything. Getting professional help doesn't always help, and many people relapse. Sometimes situations aren't temporary, but are in fact permanent. You're in a dark tunnel but you can't reach the light; there's this force constantly weighing you down, never relenting. You're stuck while everyone else goes on with their life. And when you try to tell people, even those who care, most of them just don't understand because they don't know how you feel, and it's so hard for them to wrap their mind around what you're feeling that you just feel more isolated than before.

I know if no one has been at that point before it's hard to understand. But maybe that will put some things in perspective. If you were hurting that much, wouldn't you think of a way to get out? If you couldn't find any way, and you were in too much pain after trying everything in your power to save yourself, wouldn't death greet you like open arms? And if someone told you you were being selfish or not to leave them, I'm sure you'd feel guilty, but also possibly angry that this person just doesn't get where you are.

We put animals down whenever they're in unbearable physical pain. Although it's more controversial, enthuasisa is offered in certain countries. We take physical suffering seriously, but we don't do the same with mental suffering. The truth is that it's just as painful as physical suffering, and, just like terminal illness, you can't always get out of mental pain, even if you try. This is not to say that you shouldn't try to help someone who's suffering, but if they end up dying on their own terms, it was not an act of failure on your part or them not trying enough. Just like a cancer patient losing their battle, sometimes suicidal people lose their battles and die. That's an unfortunate fact, but I think if we start to accept it we will be more sympathetic towards people, and if someone dies from suicide we won't blame them or ourselves, because it was just a situation out of our control.

Thursday, February 11, 2016


Fanfictions are, in a basic sense, a nerd's ultimate outlet. When you love something so much that you are willing and wanting to write a story based on your obsession, it's called a fanfitction. It's not your original work, but you don't claim it to be. It's just you spending more time with your favorite characters, exploring new story lines, or even changing some things. Basically your telling the original author, "I loved your story so much that I'm adapting it."

I love fanfictions. Sometimes I'm disappointed in a show's ending or wish a movie had been longer or just wanted to spend more time with a character, so when that happens I either write a fanfiction or look for one (the latter usually happens). Mostly it happens when I just can't get enough of a story that I have to look to someone else's adaption.

There are many, many types of fanfictions out there, but a lot of them just follow the line of continuing a certain story. This makes perfect sense, as the readers, being fans themselves, are familiar with the characters, settings, the storylines, etc. An example would be what had happened after "Ella Enchanted" ended; without the curse, how is Ella's life now? Simple things like that.

However, there are also other fanfictions out there as well that are just as popular as a usual processors. Although I can't name them all, the ones that come to mind include alternate universes (AU), shippings (ships), and crossovers.

Alternate Universe fanfictions have the same characters, usually, but they;re in a different setting. Some alternate universes are parallel universes, in which a character starts off the same as the universe the original author created (this is known as "canon"), but along the road something changed. This can also be known as a "What If", in the sense that a character made a different decision and it changed the course of the canon An example would be a story in which Anakin Skywalker didn't turn to the dark side. However, alternate universes may just completely different setting for no particular reason, such as if "The Hunger Games" characters didn't live in Panem and were in a more modern society. 

Shipping Fanfictions are simply a paring between two characters. They may already be together (like Lois and Clark), or they could involve characters who never got into a relationship in the regular universe. For example, there are pretty popular shippings for Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy. So basically, it's just a romantic story between two characters. 

Crossover fanfictions are when two universes crossover with each another. For instance, a crossover fanfiction with "Sonic The Hedgehog" may include him meeting up with the "Mario" characters. They may just have one universe's characters entering another universe, or the universes merge together (i.e. The Mario characters live in the same universe as Sonic). It's basically combining two fandoms together and seeing how the characters would interact if they were to meet each other. 

Of course, there are thousands (maybe millions) of fanfictions out there, but I'm just choosing the ones that I come to mind. My personal favorite type of fanfiction is a "What If" AU, simply because I love exploring what could have happened to a character. Haven't Potterheads ever wondered what would have happened if Harry's parents hadn't died? If he had been raised by Sirius instead? It just expands your imagination of the world you knew.

I also enjoy crossover fanfictions from time to time, wondering how certain characters would interact if they were faced with each other. Ever since I watched "Lost" and "Hereos", I wondered how it would be if the could crossover-I usually picture the Heroes characters on the island. I also wonder what would've happened if "The Hunger Games" was just Katniss' fear stimulation during her Dauntless initiation.

Fanfictions are a great creative outlet for me and thousands of fans out there. We love our characters, we love the stories, so why not expand on that? We would love to meet the characters, perhaps, or re-imagine them in the sense of making them go through some growth or whatnot. We'd like to see more of their universe, perhaps, or even change it. 

In spite of all my praise for fanfictions, I must say that, like everything in entertainment, not all are appealing to me. I have nothing against the writers, of course, but I'm often turned off by grammatical mistakes to the point where I cannot understand the story, sexually explicit content ("lemons"), or just making a kid story adult (granted it could be funny, but sometimes it's just too weird).

One of the worst things, I believe, you can do to a story is to make someone act out-of-characters (OOC); this means they act nothing like the original character. Just picture Harry Potter joining Voldemort and using dark magic! I understand how an alternate universe character may act different, especially in a "What If" case scenario, but they need to be basically the same. The only time I tolerate OOC-ness is in the case of a parody. 

But, I digress. Those are just the things I don't like abourtfanfictions. As long as it's well-written and doesn't drift away from the characters or overall storyline, fan fictions can be some of the greatest pieces of literature I've ever read. I honestly spent most of a day looking up "Star Wars" fanfictions and even thinking some were better than the originals! I'm also on the hunt for  some prequels to Harry Potter, particularly about Lily and James and possibly Snape's life before the books, and I read a really good "Hunger Games" fanfiction about Finnick Odair's life. 

Friday, January 1, 2016

Happy New Year, Everyone!!!

Hi, everyone! I know, I know, I said I would start posting every month, but, as you can see, that never happened...I'm sorry xP I just have to admit to myself that I'm not really into blogging anymore. I still like looking at my older blog posts from time to time and reading others, but I don't really feel like blogging myself. I think it's because I've started journaling, which this was for me before I started doing it by hand. And I don't know, I just prefer that. I like handwriting, the feel of the pen in my hand. It's kind of meditative.

So anyway, I said all of that to say that, while I won't delete this blog (because I could always change my mind), I doubt I'm going to be blogging anytime soon. So I'm sorry if I disappointed anyone :/ But hey, if you like my writing, I've got tons of social media websites I'm on. If you look on the left side of the blog, I have links to the websites I'm on. I'll probably need to add more, though, just because I'm so arrogant xD lol

This post may sound kind of like a downer, but I just realized that I had to admit to myself that blogging isn't for me right now at this time. Well, Tumblr is, but not long posts I write - just a bunch of reblogging, which makes up for 99.99% of my Tumblr posts xD Actually, if you still want to follow my posts, you can follow my Tumblr account.

I hope you all had a wonderful year in 2015. I have a feeling that 2016 will just be as amazing! :D

Happy New Year, everyone!!!

Monday, October 19, 2015

Monthly Posts!!!

Hey, guys! I know I haven't blogged in FOREVER, and I'm sorry. It's just that, between school and extracurriculars and binge-watching on Netflix, I don't feel up to blogging every week xD I actually have kind of turned over to Tumblr now, since it's a "mini" blog that I can blog everyday without too much time being taken up.

But not to fear! I kind of miss blogging, to be honest. I really do love Blogger's format. So what I'm going to do is blog on here monthly!!! That won't take a whole bunch of my time, yet I still get to inform you of my weeks! Yay!!!

So that's the plan for now! Obviously I'm WAY off a month, but hey, I got here before October ended! So I guess I'll see you guys sometime in November!!!

Saturday, September 5, 2015

Exciting News!!!

I know I said I'd probably stop blogging here regularly, but I had a fantastic day on Tuesday therefore must tell/brag about it on here xD

First off, as I mentioned last week, English is my absolute favorite class. I love the discussions, I love my teacher, I love my classmates, I just love it. I have two friends I've made in that class (Andi and Zach), so it's always nice to see them like, twice a week. So as you can see, English is always making my Tuesdays fun :)

Now, here's what happened last week: Our teacher was looking over our introductory essays that we'll be graded on at the end of the class (not a full semester - something called a "mini" session and it ends in October) and he looked over mine and said there wasn't much to edit. So that made me so proud. I was grinning ear to ear and bragged about it on Twitter xD

I got to hang out with Andi and Zach in the cafe after class, though I was mainly hanging out with Andi since Zach had to leave for a class. We got some work done but also talked a bit as well as with some other students (and a guy named West we met another time).

So eventually Andi leaves for class and I go to do my work and such in the library, got kinda bored (I really need to give myself a break every now and then from work - I go WAY overboard) and headed back to the cafe. What was funny was that I was thinking, "Aw, I wish I saw someone I knew here!" And guess what happened? I saw an old friend from dance class (Miranda), a friend I met through Zach (Chelsea) and Rylee, another girl I used to dance with! How ironic was that?

But it gets even better - so Zach and I have a lot of mutual friends on Facebook. Two of them, Lauren and Jessi, whom I used to dance with, are good friends with him. Zach posted something the other day about doing a film and Lauren said she was interested (I assume Jessi did, too, because they're really close) and when I come back to the cafe, I see them all sitting together! I have literally not seen them since like, dance class, which was yeeeearrs ago. So we're all happy to see each other and they tell them they're making a film. I mentioned on Zach's Facebook post that I'm a bit of a writer so Jessi was asking if I could help while they brainstormed. I didn't do a whole lot of talking, mostly because I was an introvert surrounded by many extroverts xD, but I did give some input and really enjoyed myself :) That was so awesome, and I hated to leave, but I had a club meeting.

Which brings me to the club meeting. There are a LOT of people there. Like, seriously. And we have a lot going on. I think I'm going to enjoy it :D The group is NAMI on campus - NAMI is a national organization dedicated to helping people with mental health issues (they're acronym stands from National Alliance on Mental Illness). We're going to be putting up posters and whatnot for Suicide Prevention Awareness Month, which, you guessed it, happens to be this September. And a bunch of other stuff we talked about doing. So that ought to be fun :)

See why I had to brag? I had SUCH an amazing day! It's always wonderful to see familiar faces. And I saw them again Thursday. So that was really cool. I'm really enjoying my classes overall (although art is too long - it is once a week, but it's three hours!!!) So yeah, that's all I wanted to say. Goodbye, everyone!!!

Saturday, August 29, 2015

College 2015

Hey, guys! Sorry I haven't posted lately. Truth be told, I just finished my first week of college Friday (whohoo!) so I'm been pretty busy. It's not terribly hard to adjust, but you do have to keep up with your assignments and such. You have to be very self-directed, knowing when to ask help when needed, which, fortunately, I've learned pretty well :) So I'm adjusting pretty well

How do I feel about college? Honestly, I love it. I love that you have more freedom over what you want to learn - granted, you have prerequisites and such to take, but it's all towards your major of study. Plus, you get electives, which I kind of have this year, and you get to choose your teacher, which time you want to go to school (from the available times they offer, of course) and such.

I'm really enjoying my discussions. I'm fully engaged in my English class, and I love my teacher.  He's like an English nerd like me, so that's cool :) My mom knows my music teacher, and he's really nice, really chill, so while I'm not into that class as much, I like it and I like the teacher :) My art teacher is really nice too; and I don't like math, but my math teacher is very helpful, which is nice.

Another thing I'm loving is the social experience. I've met so many people studying different things, similar things, etc. and even made a couple of friends on the first day of school! I guess it's because everyone wants to be there that they seem genuinely excited for school and learning. Actually, the two friends that I make have several mutual friends with me on Facebook! :D (which reminds me, I saw an old friend from dance class taking classes there, and two of my other friends from dance are taking dual enrollment! How cool is that?)

So yeah, overall I'm loving college. It's so much fun. Work, yes, but fun. It's not TOO bad as long as you keep up with your assignments and such - which your teachers definitely remind you of. Most of them (at least all of mine) just want you to succeed in their class, so why wouldn't they help you? My point is, as long as you put your mind and effort into school work, college can be great.

With that all said, I probably won't be posting here weekly, as you can see I have been doing already. I probably will post every now and then, but not as regularly. I love writing, but I don't want to feel overwhelmed. Blogging has its benefits, don't get me wrong, but I already have a diary I prefer writing in everyday, which is what I used to do for my blog, plus I have school assignments and my own writing projects on the side. So I apologize for not posting as often. I hope you don't miss me too much.

But don't worry: I won't keep you in the dark TOO much. I will fill you in on the details of my life every now and then, so it's not like you'll NEVER see me posting at all. So thanks to all the people who've been viewing my blog and (hopefully) entertained by it. I look forward talking to you all soon!

Saturday, August 8, 2015

August Begins

It rained HORRIBLY Monday. Well, at first it didn't rain - it had just rained the other day, so it was wet outside - so we decided no park today (probably) and headed off to grab some breakfast. Well, guess what - IT RAINED. HARD. It's like the rain was trying to make up for the lack of rain the weathermen had predicted all of last week! So, anyway, we got inside, soaking wet, ate some breakfast, and left. I think it wasn't raining as hard that time.

Then we went to the library. I don't think it was raining too badly then. I saw an interesting-looking book based on Anastasia Romanov's life by an author who wrote a bunch of historical fictional novels on the Tudors I enjoyed, so I picked it up (it's called Anastasia And Her Sister's, by the way, in case anyone's interested, and the author's Carolyn Meyer). I also picked up ANOTHER book on a royal, but this one was fictional - Princess Ben, and I forget the author's name. But I'm reading the one on Anastasia first, since I kept hearing about the Romanov's awhile ago - or maybe I was just thinking about it and finally wanted to read about their life (or what it could have been). Plus, I hardly know anything about Russia or WW1.

We went to eat out again later, since we got a bit of a flat tire and wouldn't make it home in time for lunch. It rained again, hard again, so we had to run inside. And we ended up staying at the library again since we had to wait on the car. By now it was POURING outside. When the car was ready, we literally had to rush inside the van and quickly shut the door since it was raining so badly. And it kept stopping and coming, so we always had to be prepared just in case it decided to rain crazily again. But hey, it helped the plants grow, eh? xD

We went to eat out again later, since we got a bit of a flat tire and wouldn't make it home in time for lunch. It rained again, hard again, so we had to run inside. And we ended up staying at the library again since we had to wait on the car. By now it was POURING outside. When the car was ready, we literally had to rush inside the van and quickly shut the door since it was raining so badly. And it kept stopping and coming, so we always had to be prepared just in case it decided to rain crazily again. But hey, it helped the plants grow, eh? xD

It rained again Tuesday but it was NOTHING like yesterday. In fact, Monday made Tuesday look like a wimp xD Anyway, we went out again to pick something up at the library, and I went on my new (starting this fall!) school campus to get my student ID. And financial aid paid for my classes that day (I think it was on that day, because I called yesterday and they said they hadn't paid yet). We also went to the grocery store. And the rain made it so we could unfortunately not go to the park :/ But hey, I still got out :D

It was REALLY hot Wednesday, so we opted to head to the beach :D The waves were seriously WILD out (now I sound like a stereotypical surfer xD) But seriously, they were hard. It felt like I was getting punched by it sometimes! But it was fun :)

We spent the rest of the days visiting parks around the city. In total, we've been to about 18 :O It's so awesome :) I really am enjoying exploring all the different parks around the area. It's great for soaking in fresh air, exercising, and just plain fun!