I was absent last week, and the week after that, which I apologize for. Honestly, I wasn't feeling up for it. All of the stuff going on in my head made me not feel like writing a blogpost, which I hate, but it's made me realize that I have to get my mental health into a good place.
But I've finally gotten some help! The past week (more likely the first three days) have certainly been interesting, to say the least, but I'm glad I finally went out to seek some help. We went through a few different people, so the process was kind of long, but I'll log down what's happened so far:
Monday I went to a psychologist - it was a lady who was also seeing another family member of mine, so that's how my mom knew her. I told her some of the mental disturbances going on in my mind and she wanted me hospitalized, but I nor my mom felt like I was in any immediate danger, so we didn't go.
The next day, we went to a behavioral center place in another city and I talked to a nurse there. I basically told her the same thing. Again, this person recommended me being admitted, but not into a hospital, I don't think - it was more like I was going to stay in their rehab center for a week. My parents had someone else that we agreed to see, a person whom my dad had worked with, and possibly some other people, so we left.
Wednesday we went up to an even farther city (two hours or so away from home) and arrived at the other place. I talked to the people there and eventually a psychiatrist. Maybe it was because of all the talking I had done before, but I felt very relieved and comfortable after all this was done. I may be able to video cam with another psychiatrist - we'll meet them in person first, of course, but after that I may do the other thing so we won't have to make a weekly two-hour trip - so everything seems to be working out so far, just like we hoped :)
I also got prescribed some medications to help. I haven't gotten a diagnosis yet, but they're suspecting that it's anxiety, depression (probably due to the anxiety in my opinion) and psychosis. The antidepressant I'm on is supposed to help with both of those. I'll also be taking some sleep medication but I'll probably get off of that quicker than the other medication. I used to be opposed to medication because I heard all the side effects of some and thought I should have tried getting better on my own, but for me that didn't work. And there's nothing "weak" about taking medication - you've just got to do what works for you, which I'm starting to learn.
Even though it was difficult repeating myself over again to different people and admitting thoughts I was ashamed/didn't want to have, I think it got easier when I finally realized that 1). my family didn't think I was crazy for feeling this way/having these thoughts and 2) the doctors and nurses didn't think I was crazy, either. Everyone genuinely wanted to help me. I know it shouldn't have been a surprise, but I just felt like I was crazy and still do, though it's to a lesser extent.
But I'm not going crazy. Something is wrong with my brain. I'm experiencing a mental disturbance of some kind, and, just like a physical malfunction, need some help. I'm going to start treating mental illness like physical illness instead of just dismissing it. It is very serious, and if you don't get help due to stigma it's likely to get worse. Denying it was one of the worst things I did and I regret it deeply. Looking back I regret listening to my fear and not telling anyone what was going on before it got to this point.
But it is what it is. I would say "better late than never" but I'm not sure it's "late" or not. Well, it's not "late" - it could have been done earlier, but it's not too late. But at least I can learn to talk now and be honest with people who want to help me. Asking for help is one of the best things I've ever done. The secrets were destroying me possibly even more than my mental health problems. Secrets really do make you sick.
So that's been my week so far. It's been kind of up and down at times, but I hope I'm making progress. Being honest is progress, so I should keep that in mind. And seeing a therapist I feel is going to be right for me. So I am moving, just slowly, but I have to remind myself that I AM moving forward. What was that quote by Abraham Lincoln? "I walk slowly, but I never walk backwards." I really like that :)
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