Hey, guys! I wasn't sure if I would feel up to posting today, but, well, here I am :) I can only describe the week (and the one prior to this week) as up and down. I've heard some people say that recovery is really, really messy and can be so inconsistent, probably especially in the beginning, which is so true.
One of the things I'm finding the hardest to do is keep a mood journal. Jotting down my moods is difficult because I spent the past three or four years trying to ignore my emotions because I didn't like what I was feeling or felt like it was "wrong" to think, if that makes any sense. But now I have to face the thoughts if I want to notice patterns so that I can get better. I'm trying to be mindful so I'll be aware of my thoughts in a nonjudgemental way. Just observing them. Hopefully with practice I'll get better. And I got an app that sends me notifications to ask me how I'm feeling at the time, which should hopefully help once I use it over time.
Another thing I noticed is that a part of me is resistant to change. Funny, right, considering that I want to change and am not happy where I am right now? I think it's because I've been so used to this, and I know I am resistant to change a lot. But I'm trying to change that (no pun intended). I usually bring myself back to this quote by Buddha: "Change isn't painful; only resistance to change is painful." I like that and hopefully it'll keep me on track when I need it.
To any out there suffering from mental illnesses/health issues - do you ever feel like you're not really "normal" anymore? Obviously you're not- what's "normal", anyway? - but do you feel like that? Now I find myself questioning just about everything I do, think, or say. It's so weird...it's like, I don't even know what's "normal" anymore, or, I guess for better words, "healthy". I guess whatever doesn't interfere with your mental or physical health is "healthy", but I've been feeling a gradual decline in the mental department for a few years now, so I wonder if I even realize what's "normal" anymore, you know?
I am starting to realize again that we all have emotional pain, and, while we deal with it differently, the pain stems from the same emotions - fear, anger, sadness, etc. People with mental disorders have theirs in more extreme forms, but that's only because their brains are wired that way. I was surprised when, seeing a post about eating disorders, saw that some people eat to numb their pain. I usually repress my emotions to the point where I trick myself into thinking I can't "feel" them anymore to deal with pain. Two same emotions, but two completely different reactions. It's amazing how we're the same yet we're so different at the same time. It gives us the ability to relate to one another yet also see another side to the same situation.
That's another thing - I've been so afraid of emotions that I tried to "banish" and not feel them. Some of my emotions were so intense that I guess I was afraid they would overwhelm me. I read that a lot of depressives do this. It's like we're afraid of emotions. I have to allow myself to feel now - when I don't, that's why I must get so numb - and it's so hard. I've had a lot of practice "not" feeling and it's only made me more miserable and feeling like I'm not enjoying life. So gradually I hope I'll start to feel.
Talking back to my thoughts is another thing I'm doing. I realize that I was mindlessly letting thoughts come and go and clinging on to some of them - particularly the thoughts that told me I was a bad person. I don't know why I listened to it, except that I guess I thought it was easier, but there's no evidence to back this up. A lot of my negative thoughts followed me thinking that I wasn't a nice or "good" person so I think I convinced myself of this. But now I'm changing. I've written some compliments about myself in a little jar that I hope will help me realize my worth. Some of my relatives have told me positive qualities about myself that I forgot, which I guess is because I listened to the negative thoughts.
Depression is like this dark curtain that only fills you with negatively. It's like you're standing under this cloud that just keeps raining on you and that's all you can see, even though there's sunshine on the other side. I also think of it like a bully that's constantly wearing you down. Not every thought is truth. Thoughts come and go. And you don't have to listen or believe everything you think - especially the negative thoughts that wear you down. I know I'll find strategies to overcome this. It may be a daily battle but I'll have faith that I'll figure it out.
So that's been some of my thoughts in a nutshell. I haven't written much about things going on in my life, mostly because it hasn't felt like much and I've also been so busy with my mental thoughts that I haven't always paid attention to the other things. And I've stopped doing a lot of things that I did before - dance, crafting, writing stories (I have done some writing but it's decreased - so I'm honestly not doing that much. But I hope that I'll be able to get my mentality in a good enough place to start doing things I've enjoyed again. And I'm trying to slowly incorporate things to do whenever I get bored (which is happening fairly frequently) - a little reading here and there, some writing, etc.
At times I feel like I haven't made much progress as far as recovery, but I know I have if I stop to think about it. I asked for help and am starting to be honest - I am moving somewhere. I'm starting to question my thoughts. I'm challenging the negative ones and combating them with positive ones. I'm starting to let go of the perfectionist in me. I'm trying to treat myself like a friend, because I'm a human being and I deserve respect just like everyone else. I just have to go at my own pace, which may be slow, but it's not going backwards. I want to keep moving forward, even if that means taking some stops at the road before picking back up.
Have a lovely week, everyone, and as always, stay strong<3
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