Accepting Emotions

Sorry for about not posting last week. The past days (and weeks) since I've started working towards recovery have been a bit of a whirlwind. Having up days and down days almost back-to-back at times.

Well, now I'm here :) And today I decided to write about a topic that I've been thinking about more recently: emotions.

Emotions are complicated. Aside from how it makes us feel, sometimes we put labels on there: anger may be "bad", excitement could be "good", etc. I know I must have done this, because I have felt ashamed of my emotions at times - or, more accurately, I've been trying to control my emotions.

Really, that's only led to depression. I was reading an article on keeping a mood journal to help keep track of your emotions, but before I got to that the article mentioned depressives being afraid of feeling, which is one of the many reasons why they become depressed in the first place. I'm not sure I understand it fully, but I do think denying your emotions and pretending to feel something that you're not would make you feel at least a little depressed.

I am an emotional person. I knew this before, but I didn't want to acknowledge it, and even now I'm not exactly accepting it. I get very excited about things but also very angry or annoyed. I don't like this aspect of my personality, to be honest; even though I know it's good to accept yourself completely I'm not there yet.. I feel like I go to extremes. I guess I wonder if people will think I'm too emotional. I don't want to say "control" my emotions because I no longer believe I need to do that, but I guess I don't like getting so worked up about things. But I've always been this way.

I find that I'm really affected by the emotions of others, too - which can have downsides for me. It's nice when someone's in a happy mood, of course, but when they're feeling down - well, then I usually do, too. I'm working on this, because I don't want my emotions to be influenced by others. Of course, everyone experiences unpleasant feeling emotions at times, which is perfectly normal. I think if I focus on managing my emotional reactions and spending time with people who feed my spirit will help.

I said all of that to say this: You shouldn't try to control emotions. Emotions are just that - feelings. They don't do anything. Emotions don't make you lash out at someone when you're angry or cry when you're sad. Rather, that's your reaction to your emotions.

And that's what I want to do - manage, not control, my reactions. I want to mindfully observe my emotions and see if I can figure out why I'm feeling a certain way, then deciding how I'll react. I can b angry yet channel it out in a healthy way (i.e. exercise, writing, using humor).

'That's really what I want to do. Up until now I haven't been handling my emotions in a healthy or safe manner. I've hurt myself before. I've held in my emotions. I've snapped at people when I've just felt irritated at myself, kept my feelings secret - nothing that helps me deal with my emotions healthily. I want to deal with my emotions in a healthy way. It will make me feel better and not guilty, which I've been feeling an awful lot these days.

I guess this was kind of a serious post, so sorry about that if you were looking for humor :/ I have days where I can't tell if I'm getting better or not, and I don't know what's going to help me yet. We're still looking for places to start therapy and I may even go to a support group. I just want to get better now. To not have all these distressing thoughts of my worth or other things bothering me 24/7. I really do want to be happy.