See? I told you I was going to do this ;)
Lately I've been finding it difficult to enjoy the little things in life. I'll try to, but I don't want to have to force myself to do things. Don't worry, I'm probably going to see someone once the holidays are over.
Things have happened, though. I haven't stared at a wall all day...lol. Some old friends of my parents came over Sunday and invited them out to dinner. We also went to breakfast with someone my dad knows. I was surprised that I enjoyed it, but perhaps it provided me with the social interaction I needed/avoided. convenient
I've been through a lot this year. Not physically, but mentally. And I only say that now because I know we all go through things now - before I was making myself more ignorant to pain. Like I would just ignore it. But I've gotten to a point where I can't avoid it anymore and I'm just sick of it all.
Numbing the pain isn't working, not anymore- if anything, it makes me more upset because now I can't feel! I want to enjoy life, and I think I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all, but it must be my body's defense mechanism against pain.
I'm going to get everything looked at, though. I already mentioned on a post months old that I had gotten checked for depression, and it looks like I'll be going down that route again. But the thing is, I don't think I was ever okay. I just numbed the pain, I think, because as time passes by, I find myself caring less and less about things. That's not how I want to live my life. I want to enjoy life and live it to the fullest, even when I struggle. I want to see that life is worth it. I want to be happy.
So I guess that's kind of my "resolution" this year. I've had several ones, but this one is really sticking with me: I was ignoring a lot of my problems by trying not to care anymore. And there's no shame in asking people for help. I kept thinking that I had to do everything on my own since I've read that no one can heal you but you, but that doesn't mean that you can't ask for help and for people to guide you to the answer to your problems. It's a balance I'm still trying to find, but I know it's there.
Just like you can spend too much time with people when you don't get anytime to unwind and be in peace with yourself, you can spend too much time in solitude - especially if said time is spent moping or not doing anything to help you in the long run. A lot of my time alone was spent thinking of how miserable I felt about myself and life, thinking about self-destructive thoughts, and just unhealthy things. Worse was that I felt like I had little support outside of my feeling, which is not a good feeling to have. There have been times where I've honestly felt like I've had no good friends I could call up to just vent to, and I don't like that. Hopefully, I'll learn to cope better and possibly maintain strong relationships with people whom I need in my life (and vice versa).
I feel like I could dub this as one of the "worst" years of my life, but that's not entirely true. There were some pleasant things that happened. The time I got to meet two actors from Under The Dome was awesome (and a moment I will never forget<3)
This was also the year I started paying attention to my feelings and realizing that my unhealthy thinking patterns were not serving me any purpose. This was the year I decided to change, or try to change, for the better. Despite my ups and downs, I did try moving forward. And perhaps nearly hitting (or hitting) rockbottom made me realize that I can't continue my life like this.
I've also realized that happiness is my ultimate goal in life. Before I guess I was thinking about other things, like school and work, and though I still think those things are important to my living, it's not my goal to get a job or whatever. Come to think of it, I don't know if I ever really knew what my goal in life was - that's a big question! I think I was living like that as a kid, but as I got older I fell into the trap of thinking I had to get a good job to be happy and all of these other sort of things that really weren't important. If you're not happy, nothing else even matters - trust me.
The happiest people don't have things that make them happy - things may bring them joy, but they have inner joy that they tap into daily. It doesn't matter if they're rich or poor, man or women, whatever ethnicity they are, what their job is (or lack of) job is. That's why suicide isn't determined by people's living conditions or anything like that - it's determined by their happiness. Like sayings go, nothing can buy it. It's a state of being happy with yourself and finding happiness, choosing to see the good side of things (and possibly using humor when things get rough). It's not so clear-cut, . You can work on it everyday. It may not be easy, but the act of changing your thoughts to more positive ones isn't so egregious and complicated. It's simple.
So I guess that's at least one thing I learned this year that worked for my good. I'm trying to build my spirits up, because honestly, sometimes I just feel so down. And when I'm not feeling down, I usually feel numb. I want to get back to that mostly-satisfied state I had as a child. Even if I wasn't completely happy as a kid, I know I must have seen something differently, because I never thought about ending my own life as a kid. But maybe I'll never get back to that. But that doesn't mean I have to be unhappy for the rest of my life. I really hope I do mature from being a kid and be happier with each given year.
2015 is going to be a better year for me. Not that 2014 is bad, but I want each and every year to get even better than the previous ones. I made mistakes, not everything that happened to me felt good, and I can say for sure that just about nothing went as plan. But I hope that I'll be okay. I realize that, in spite of some of the things we go through, no one is completely destroyed, even if you feel that way. The world doesn't collapse. I truly want to believe that everything will be okay, and is okay. It's not "perfect" or expected, but it's okay.
This is more a speech for myself, because I'm really struggling right now, but if it does help someone out there who's reading, then I'll be really happy. I'm one person I hope it'll help. I hope that I'll be able to look back at my posts when I'm older and see a change. I know I have changed, even if I don't feel like I've gotten very far at times. We all have. I'm going to work on forgiving myself for my mistakes and learning to move on. I can learn from my mistakes.
Those are my words for this year. 2014 was an unforgettable year, like every other year is. I'll see you guys next year!
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