I've been debating about this for awhile, but I finally think I'm going to take time to be serious on my blog today. Part of this could be because one of my best friends posted something similarly serious. So I may have gotten some inspiration from her, as I do love Sarah Demens :)
But, even the the post had some personal information in it, it was mainly dealing with an issue of another. This post is going to be very personal. If you don't feel like reading it and am looking for something more lighthearted, then that's fine (I'll post something more lighthearted tomorrow, as regularly scheduled).
But, for those who do, I thank you for taking the time to read this.
From my past posts, I probably seem like a pretty happy person, right? Of course, every person has their ups and downs, and I can be the complainer (especially in my younger days), but I probably seemed like most people: generally happy. And a part of me was.
But I was lying to myself. A part of me, anyway. And I was lying to anyone reading this. It's one thing to lie to other people, but it's another thing to lie to yourself. You should at least be honest with yourself, right?
I mentioned vaguely how I was going through some stuff I didn't want to disclosure two weeks or so ago, but now, I'm finally ready to disclose with you. I'm a little shocked that I'm writing this myself, but I know I want to do it now.
For the past four months, I have not been in a very good state in mind. In fact, I've been feeling this way for about four years. I know that's a really long time, but it's amazing how you can lie to yourself, act like everything's okay when it's not, and fake a smile and lie to everyone around you because you just don't think that they can understand the pain you're going through. You feel alone, you don't like the way you're feeling, so you just fake it until you make it.
Faking it may be okay in some cases, but not in all. I've reached a point where I'm finally tired of this. I'm tired of lying to myself, feeling horrible. I just want it to end, and it won't unless I do something. I saw a great quote yesterday (but I don't remember the author's name): "Making a big change is scary. But you know what's scarier? Regret."
And I've been living for what seems like an eternity in my life in regret. The phrase "you only live once" (or YOLO) is one we say jokingly at times, but it's a phrase I've really been trying to apply to my life. In fact, there was one time, a few years ago, when I was 14 or 15, that I actually tried applying this to my life. I would wake up everyday and thank God for being able to see another day. I was actually grateful.
But that stopped, and, even when I said that, I was never truly happy. Not as happy as I had been when I was a kid. When I was 12, that was the last time I remember being as happy as I could be. I was myself. I wasn't too afraid of rejection, drama, pain, death...I was generally happy. Of course, I was shy around other people, as many people my age were (and still are), but, overall, I was pretty happy.
Something happened when I turned 13. I don't know if it was a coming of age thing, or if it was something that had been building up since I was young, but it came out of nowhere. I just, quite plainly, questioned my beliefs. I won't get into deep detail about it, not now, at least, but the general idea is just that: I was uncertain about my own beliefs, what my parents had taught me, what was right or wrong...everything.
And that's really scary, you know. It makes you uncertain about every little thing. Relationships. Work. School. Life. There's almost nothing more uncomfortable than just not knowing something, and that's exactly how I felt. That's how I felt for 3 years, and, even now.
But I'm working to get better. I'm going into some self "therapy", if you want to call it that. I'm trying to work to get myself back to where I was as a child. Because, honestly, this feeling of uncertainty, this stress, it's starting to ruin my life. I'm actually not enjoying life as much as I used to. And I want to change that so badly.
Anyway, I just thought I'd share that with everyone. This is probably the most personal thing I've ever written in public, and I'm a little worried about everyone's reaction (if I get any at all). But I'm going to start being honest with myself, and this helps. Plus, I know others are going through what I am. It helps so much to know that you're not alone.
God bless everyone! :)
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